


HIM

by halfravenhalfclaw



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, Boyfriends, Choose Your Own Ending, Gay, Gay Male Character, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Romance, Slow Romance, Teen Crush, Teen Romance, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28591941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfravenhalfclaw/pseuds/halfravenhalfclaw
Summary: Remus fell in love with the new guy in school the moment he saw him the first time. Love at first sight isn't too cliche, is it? Though he quickly realizes the real world is much more complicated. In his attempts to help, Remus might end up hurting those closest to him."I turned my head and so did he. If he hadn't moved his head a little away, our lips would be touching. He didn't look into my eyes, but at my lips."~~~You get to choose the ending!~~~Updating every Wednesday (inconsistently lol)
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 7





	1. Before I met him

**Author's Note:**

> I have been having this idea forever know, and I'm finally writing it down.  
> It's an AU in which the marauders are all muggles. It's mostly wolfstar, but you might see some Jily squeezed in somewhere.  
> I hope you will enjoy reading the story just as much as I enjoy making it up.  
> Stick with me until the very end and leave comments along the way :D  
> ~~~  
> IMPORTANT  
> I've been very conflicted about the way I should end this story, so I'm giving you the choice! There will be a happy and sad ending. More instructions will follow later!

I didn't know that this would happen.

I don't think anyone could have predicted this.

He means everything to me, and I mean everything. How could I have known he was gonna mean that much to me? Frankly, I don't think anyone saw it coming.

My whole life I have lived in the same city, in the same house. I have known my two best friends for ages; James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. There's isn't anything exciting about my life.

James Potter has been my friend since kindergarten, original I know. Could you hear the sarcasm? He is my very best friend and we have been through everything together. I honestly can't believe he's still friends with me. James is tall, handsome, popular. He has it all. His hair is brown and curly; every girl's dream. Also, his sun-brown skin, all about him looks perfect. He's the best friend anyone could wish for.

Peter Pettigrew has been my friend since sixth grade. He isn't so tall -pretty small actually- perhaps a bit chubby. Someone would say that at least, I say so too. Though he is not unpopular or anything, not with the girls at least. He's the one out of the three of us who gets most luck. They say he is 'cute' or something. I don't understand girls. I think the only reason James doesn't get any girls is that he has his heart set on one; the only one he can't have.

Oh well, Peter has light curly hair, but not the same kind of curls as James. His is more afro-curls, that is short and light, while James has small curls that hang from the top of his head.

You are presumably all very interested in what I look like, but I'm not, so you won't find out, yet. I'll probably tell you sometime when I can see myself. Probably tomorrow when I look terrible.

Which reminds me, you don't know where I am right now. You see, I just finished my third year in high school. Only a year left. I'm good at math if you hadn't guessed it yet. This party look like any other party, in primary school, it was of course "no-alcohol" parties. Now its more like "alcohol" parties, or "a-lot-alcohol" parties. This party is one of those parties where there is a lot of alcohol, and maybe drugs, but that's not something I touch.

To make a long story short; there was a party, many people on little space, everyone smelled either of sweat, smoke or both. Bad light, _really_ noisy. Someone played truth or dare, spin the bottle or some weird card game. People took home, someone had sex upstairs, seen it all before, have been there.

Now you are probably wondering why I'm at this party. Well, wouldn't you be?

I'm not quite sure how I made it home that night, I think James's parents picked us up. They are the best, pretty sure I'm sleeping at their place right now. Who knows. I might be a bit careless, it doesn't matter that much.

I open up my eyes.

Just as I suspected I'm at James' house. I'm in bed, without clothes. I don't even remember taking it off. Neither he nor Peter is anywhere to be seen in this room. Did Peter even join us here last night? Usually, he goes home with some girl-friend of his.

My head hurts, and I just stare up at the ceiling. It's white. Most of the things in their house is white, it's so modern and expensive. I kinda like it, but my own house is better, it's darker, but it has more wood furniture and stuff. James's house is bigger though, and his parents always like to pick us up, so that's why I always sleep with him.

That and because neither he nor I get someone home, so it won't be weird. Though, the fact that none of us ever have someone to bring back is probably not all that good. And we just hang out instead might be counted as weird. I don't care.

James, of course, being as rich as he has a four-poster bed, a giant bedroom that could house ten four-poster beds. I like the view he has from his window, but the curtains are drawn, so there nothing to look at now.

Someone knocks on the door and James comes in. 

"How are you feeling?" he asks. I move my gaze from the ceiling to him instead. James being the amazing (morning) person he is, is of course already awake and dressed... and has hot cocoa in his hands. Therefore the 'amazing' part.

I sit up and make sure the duvet is covering me completely.

"Headache," I tell him and takes the cup he offers me. "Was I bad last night?"

James usually never drinks at parties, which makes him the perfect person to ask if you did something stupid, it could also make quite a business for him seeing as he can reveal what others did. He never takes advantages of this though.

"You could have been worse," he told without looking at me. I rolled my eyes.

"Just tell me."

"You... Well, you almost stripped in front of everyone, then I decided it was time to go home. Thought you insisted you were sweating so you took off your shirt. Maybe a little less alcohol for the next party," he suggested. I didn't even blush when he told me. I knew he was the only person who would remember it anyway.

I took a sip of the cocoa. It was nice and hot. The smoke flew into my face, relaxing my muscles. It reminded me of autumn. It's summer now.

"Why am I naked now then?" I asked not particularly interested.

"You said that you had to be prepared if someone wanted to drop by and fuck you," James said matter of factly.

"Less alcohol for the next party." I agreed with a laugh.

.:lll:.

Summer was ahead of me. Who knows what's gonna happen. I could discover a secret that no one knows. I could be on the greatest vacation ever with my family. I could have the time of my life. I could meet the one and only.

Or I could do as any other summer and do absolutely nothing but read all day.

Though I guess now that I'm not stripping at some party, I could tell you all what I look like. I have nothing better to do anyway.

I have brown hair, it's almost tawny, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I never know. Freckles cover just about everything on my face, which I'm not all that happy about. I'm tall, even taller than James, so not this hot kind of tall, but awkward kind of tall. My skin is mostly very-light-brown, sometimes I manage to get just a little tan, otherwise, it's red.

I spent most of my time hanging out with my friends, if not, I'm reading, which I just love to do. Hurray for me, the nerd.

Oh, and by the way, my name is Remus Lupin.


	2. When I met him

##### If I had known what was gonna happen, I wouldn't have backed out.

  


First day of school.

Always great.

If you're an alien.

The first day of school is the worst of the worst. Who even invented them? Why do we even go to school? I don't care about my fucking education, I just want to sleep and read. And eat chocolate, and drink hot cocoa, and-

You know, that there's a lot of things I want to do, but going back to school is not one of them. I have wasted my summer completely. Like I always do. We haven't been to any cool places I can brag about. The wildest thing that happened was that I woke up before eight.

James -as the morning person he was- was, of course, looking great and fresh and god knows what. I, on the other hand, look awful and tired. Which is weird considering I haven't done anything but sleep all summer. Oh, great times. Great times.

It's a wonder that I even woke up this morning. That's just how it is, everyone is tired the first day of school - James being the exception.

It's Monday morning and the first thing we have is math. The greatest subject of all time. Sarcasm. I don't think anyone likes it. Someone just hates it more than others. I'm the kind of person who doesn't dislike it. As I said earlier, I'm good at math. Thought I was being sarcastic back then? I wasn't.

If I wasn't so humble I would say that I'm the best in class. I am humble, so I guess I won't say it, but now you know and technically I didn't tell you so that still counts as humble. If you ask me, and seeing as I'm the only person here, you can only ask me.

The teacher rambles on about something like it wasn't the first day of school, like we all weren't falling asleep. I tried to concentrate on it, though it was hard. I allowed myself a break.  
He asked a question, no one raised their hands. He looked disappointed, we are probably learning about something we learned last year and therefore should know. I probably knew it because he was looking expectant at me, but I kindly ignored him. Instead, staring at the clock that ticked soooo slow.

Mr Slughorn (our teacher) was about to say something, but he was interrupted by a knock on the door. The people came in before Slughorn got to say anything. Was it weird to be so happy? I could hear a collective sigh of happiness from the other students as well.

The first person who came in was our principal Dumbledore. An old-looking man, but still young as a... something that is young. He wasn't bald like many people old people, but he had white hair with a white beard.

The next person who came in was young. Definitely a student. He wasn't tall, a little smaller than James perhaps. His hair was black, and his skin pale. He had black boots matching his black leather jacket. He had a grey shirt under and black pants. He was all black and white. I couldn't make out his eye-colour but didn't doubt they looked amazing.

The boy had a bored expression on his face. He didn't look down but somehow managed to avoid looking at anyone. Kind of like when you're presenting in front of the class and just stare at the back wall.  
"Ahh what can I do for you, Albus?" Slughorn kindly asked though it was hard for him to hide the sneer. He hated interruptions.

Dumbledore -who didn't seem to notice- smiled. "We have a new student." He gestured to the young boy beside him and then turned to the class. "I hope you all will make him feel welcome, and one of you will show him around." Though he said it lightly, it was clear that the last thing was an order.

I did it because this new boy looked interesting. And hot. But also, because I'm nice, and I couldn't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to move to a new place, where everyone already knew each other. It couldn't be easy to make friends.

Because of those reasons, I raised my hand. Dumbledore smiled at me. "Thank you, Mr Lupin."

Slughorn seemed to be the only one who noticed that something crucial was missing; we didn't know his name. "Can I ask for your name young boy?" He turned to the boy when Dumbledore wasn't making a move to speak.

The boy shook his head.

It was Dumbledore who spoke again. "He has requested that no one knows his name, given the circumstances, I think it's only fair to fulfil his wish." He stated calmly and looked Slughorn directly into his eyes. Indicating that there was a reason for this we couldn't know about.

Our teacher nodded understanding as if he remembered something.

Peter Pettigrew (my friend) raised his hand. "Yes, Mr Pettigrew?" Slughorn said and nodded to him, which for some reason means 'you are now allowed to speak'.

He asked the question we all wanted the answer to; "why can't we know your name?" He looked directly at the young boy with the black hair. Something I had trouble with.

Both Dumbledore, Slughorn and the whole class looked expectant at the boy who simply shrugged and answered; "it's the best way I can avoid people talking to me"

Oh, he was good.

But I am here so there is no way he is allowed to not become friends (or more) with me. He was far too hot for that. When I say hot - I mean really hot, I think I'm almost turned on by just looking at him. I had never felt that way before. Weird.

"I'll leave you to teach the class, Horace," Dumbledore said and the left the classroom.

Do you guys even want me to describe the classroom? I think you all have some idea, have some expectations to how its gonna look like. So, to avoid any more confusion I'll describe it very detailed, because why the hell not.

It's rectangular - wow, big surprise. The walls are white and sticky with all the math-posters everywhere, on the left you see the door, you can use this to go out. Then there is the teachers-table in the middle, and windows on the right. We all sit alone on small uncomfortable wooden-tables. I sit by the window and the new boy sit it the right far down corner. In the shadows.

The perfect place to sit if you don't want to be seen.

I wanted to look at him, but his position any my position made it rather hard. Uhh, that could sound dirty. I wished it was.

I needed some fresh air.

The boy looked like he is paying attention to class, a nerd, I like that. I try to pay attention to the rest of the class, just as much as I tried before, but my mind only wanted to focus on the boy. He was writing things down. Oh, dear god, he was writing things down. In math class. Who writes things down in math class?

Let me answer that for you.

Nerds!

The hot guy was a nerd and I'm so hyped over this what is wrong with me?

The class finally ended. I made towards his table. We had some free time before next class, so I could show him around now. He puts his things down in an old bag.

"Ready to be shown around," I ask way too enthusiastic. I guess I'm just happy that I'm the first person who gets to talk to him.

I usually didn't talk to boys.

He didn't answer. He didn't look at me. But he nodded. I had thought he would be more talkative, guess I should've seen it coming when literally the first thing he told us was that he didn't want friends. Not that it's a bad thing. It's not necessarily a good thing either. But he was still hot, so whatever.

"What's your next class?" Nothing.

"Did you just move here?" Nothing.

"How is it to move to a new place?" Nothing.

"Have you been here before?" Nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I started to think that he couldn't even talk. That was until my last question.

"Do you want to eat lunch with my friends and me?"

"Look--" he had raised his hand to point a finger at me, though slowly lowered it with a quiet sigh. "You're probably a cool guy, but I don't know if you heard what I said before. I don't want any friends!" He turned back to looking away again and didn't talk any more than that.

What should I say now? The obvious? Should I just ignore what he just said?

"Why not?" I decided to ask dumbly. It was dumb, of course, he wouldn't tell me. Though there was a slight chance, and I decided to take it.

"I came here to educate, not make friends," he replied simply. Okay, so he is a nerd. Maybe too much of a nerd, but I can work with that. Maybe I can finally get a good study partner!

"Of course, that's obvious. Having friends is just a bonus" I interjected wisely.

"Or a downside," he murmured.

I didn't think I was supposed to hear it, so I decided to ignore it. We continued to walk around, I told him where everything was, felt like he ignored me, though I wasn't sure if he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the end of chapter two :3


	3. When I discovered his name

##### I was so attracted to him, and it was wonderful.

  
I didn't see him for the rest of the day, not even for lunch. He was nowhere to be seen in the cafeteria. Now, to say that I was disappointed would be describing exactly how I felt. The guy had, of course, said he didn't want any friends, though I had hoped I could be the one to change that.

It wasn't easy to become friends with someone who avoided you.

At the end of the school day, I hadn't seen him, since the morning. It was like he had vanished, but I didn't think that was possible. He probably just had other things to do. He was somewhere, there wasn't a doubt in my mind of that.

I stepped into the office. Being the nice, humble and generous person, I am, I had been since freshmen year, helping other students with their homework in my free time. Also hoping that my life is a love story from a book so I would meet my one and only.

That hasn't happened. Yet.

"Hello, Miss McGonagall," I greeted as I entered her office. The room was neat and clean, everything was in order and looked perfect. Despite the neatness and the strict atmosphere, the place was very welcoming. Which made it one of my favourite places to be. I didn't think anyone, but she could make any place feel that way.

"Hello, Mr Lupin, anything I can do for you?" She turned away from the computer and gave me her undivided attention.

"I came here to sign up for tutoring."

McGonagall's office was placed in such a way that it is almost impossible to look in, but it was exceptionally easy to look out of there. It was like she was a cat keeping watch. Hiding behind the bushes, waiting for the oblivious mouse.

"Of course, wait here a moment." She offered a polite smile and left. At that moment, I was all alone in the office. I didn't think any students had ever been in there alone. I must be trustworthy. So now I am a trustworthy, nice, humble and generous student. I should get a prize for that.

My curiosity got the best of me and caused my next action. I guess I'm also curious now, though because of my curiosity, I'm less trustworthy and nice, still humble and generous though.  
Oh, so humble.

I want you to know that I have never done anything like this before. My life had never been an adventure. I wanted an adventure. Her computer was open on the other side of the table, slowly, and a little hesitant, I made my way for the other side of the table, the computer was on, and logged in.

She made it way too easy for me.

Quickly I found the list of students and looked it through, now and then I looked up to see if McGonagall was coming back. My heart beat like crazy. Maybe this was stupid, but I couldn't stop myself. I found him as one of the last students on the list.

  
  
  
"So," James said as he dragged out the 'o'. I had left McGonagall's office, no students had asked for help to their homework yet, though she would let me know if anyone wanted any. Guess I had free time at the moment. "How's Mr New Guy?" He winked suggestively.

I laughed at his silliness. What did I do to deserve a friend like him?

"I bet you already asked him to eat lunch with us, am I right?" Peter laughingly added the last part when I blushed. "Why did he refuse then?" He asked seriously.

I shrugged my shoulders. "He says he doesn't want any friends." Though there had to be a reason, and he hadn’t given any.

"And you hope the be the one to change that?" James asked after an awkward silence. I nodded. "What's your plan?" he added. "If I can assume you have one?"

These two knew me too well.

"Oh, I have one," I answered dramatically, as I rubbed my hands together. I had just made it up, but hopefully, it was going to work. He doesn't have to be my friend, but he needs to know I'll be there if he ever wants one.

They both laughed. "Can we hear it then?" Peter asked.

"I'm going to show that he can trust me. We need a secret of a sort, and then I simply won't tell anyone." James and Peter lifted their eyebrows, usually, I'm not the kind of guy who has dirty tricks.

"Are you going to spy on him or something?" James frowned. I shook my head, making his eyebrows grow even closer together. "How are you gonna find a secret then?"

"Already have one," I said solemnly. I loved the look on their faces like they were gonna know this secret I had too.

"What is it then?" Peter asked eagerly.

I had a dramatic pause, just to drag it a little longer than necessary. "I know his name," I whispered to them. Peter's eyes turned big and James's jaw dropped.

"What is it then?" James almost couldn't stand still, and Peter looked just as eager.

I shook my head. "If I tell you, it won't be a secret." They pouted slightly. James made puppy eyes hoping it could sway me. "And besides," I added before they could say anything. "I want him to trust me, so if I give his secret to anyone, he surely won't."

James nodded in agreement, but Peter still looked betrayed.

"Do you even know what you could get for this information?" Peter asked bewildered. "People has been placing bets on who can guess his name. I don't think anyone has gotten it yet, it must be pretty rare." If only Peter knew how right he was.

"It is special, I have never heard anyone named that but him." It was special and beautiful. "And I do know what I can do with that information. I can be his friend." And hopefully more I added for myself.

"Or... You can get a lot of money," Peter said eagerly. I didn't blame him for not knowing what it's like to have limits, he practically swims in girls.

When I didn't say anything, James took over for me. "Who wants money over love? And besides, if it doesn't work out..." he glanced at me. "If, then he can reveal the name and get the money."

Even if he didn't want to be my friend, I wouldn't reveal his name. If he truly doesn't wanna talk to me, I'll leave him alone. James probably knew.

But you can't blame a man for trying.

  
  
  
The whole next day, I looked for him everywhere. We didn't share too many classes and that annoyed me. But it was probably also for the best. If he is there for every class, I wouldn't be able to concentrate. I saw him in our last class, chemistry with Slughorn.

I was paired with the boy. I'm lucky, I'm really, really, lucky. The universe unquestionably wanted us to be together. I had read enough romantic books to know that being seated together always turned out to be more.

He didn't talk too much. I couldn't know why, but I hoped it wasn't because of me. Maybe it was because he didn't understand anything Slughorn was telling, or because he already knew all of it.

He was so mysterious.

Unlike basically everyone else, he didn't begin packing up just those few seconds before the bell rang. Which was just perfect for me. Everything was so convenient for me. Thoughts about the universe came back to me and I suddenly got filled with courage.

I waited until everyone else was out of the classroom. This was it. "How are you doing, Sirius?" I hoped my voice didn't sound too weird. I wasn't sure how to pronounce his name, but I had practised the previous day.

Sirius almost cracked his neck as he turned around. It was as if he had been struck by lightning. His face was unreadable. I suddenly felt bad. I shouldn't have done it this way. I shouldn't have invaded his privacy. His eyes were going wide and were full of regret.

"H-How...?" he stammered out, before quickly grabbing his bag and running out of the classroom. Leaving me to stare after him.

I had a feeling I just ruined it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry Remus is acting like this, but it'll be okay later
> 
> Remember to tell me what you thought :D


	4. When he talked to me

##### He's the one.

I didn't see him all of Wednesday. It could be because we just didn't share any classes, but I had a feeling it was something else. His expression the day I confronted him still haunted me. I shouldn't have done that. I'm so stupid. I should make him feel good, not bad.

The entire event had taught me something about him; there was a whole other reason he didn't want any friends. It's not, as he told me because he doesn't want any friends. The way he panicked when I said his name convinced me there had to be more to it.

Sirius Black surely is a man of mysteries.

I expected to look for him Thursday as well, but I didn't have to. Right after I entered school, he confronted me and asked me to follow him. James raised his eyebrow suggestively, while Peter blew a kiss at me behind Sirius' back.

I followed him into an empty room.

"How many people have you told?!" Sirius' voice was dangerously chill. He closed the door just a tad too harshly. Sirius had his arms crossed and he looked mad. At me. He looked at me, and he was mad.

"No one," I answered truthfully. He looked doubtful.

"No one?" he repeated. I nodded. Sirius looked down and seemed to think. I don't think he expected that I hadn't told anyone. Why did he think I meant to harm him? "What do you want?" he asked carefully, quietly.

I answered just as careful. "I want to be your friend" I tried smiling, but it felt forced. Besides, he didn't look at me; the floor seemed to have taken his interest.

It looked like he frowned, "I already told you I'm not interested in getting friends."

"I can't imagine why. Friends are the best."

Sirius didn't answer.

A painful silence fell upon us. Why was he so reluctant about making friends? Maybe he had been bullied at his old school. Could it be me? Was I too forward? I don't think so, people have always described me as shy,

I tried to read his face, it was hard seeing as he still stared at the floor.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't do what I did. I won't tell anyone," I said. I wanted to get a reaction out of him, but I also wanted to make sure he knew. I'll just have to show I can be a good friend. My plan had been a failure so far, but this was still the most he had ever spoken to me.

He hesitated. "Promise?" Sirius surely isn't a man of many words. But that's okay.

"Promise," I repeated. I had expected at least the tiniest of reaction, but he simply walked out of the door. It was my fault really. I had put too much pressure on him. Also, I shouldn't have expected him to talk; he never does that.

"And then he just walked out?" Peter asked confused, I had told them all about what had happened between Sirius and I. Without mentioning his name, of course.

"Yeah, I don't know what I should do, I've never met anyone more closed off than him. I'm not even that shy."

"So he's a closed book, but that's not gonna stop you, right?" James asked. He isn't the kind of guy who doesn't give up when the going gets tough and takes great pride in helping us quit being quitters.

We went to the cafeteria. Sirius was like all the other days, nowhere to be seen.

"Of course not," I said. "But he's not just a closed book. He's like a book that has a gorgeous cover, but no title, so you don't know if you wanna read it, but it looks good, so you think you want to read it, but turns out there's a lock on the book, therefore you can't anyway."

"That was very detailed, have you been thinking about that?" Peter asked. It was easy to spot the amusement in his voice. I nodded reluctantly. "Maybe you just need a new plan then."

"You could perhaps just find someone else. I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like he wants you, Remy," James said quietly.

"Good idea James, why don't we both go find someone who wants us." James had had a crush on the same girls for years. He even asked her out one time, but she turned him down.

"Oh, yeah, right."

Though a new plan sounded great. Having the secret backfired dramatically. Despite that, he might trust me just a little bit more. Which is great. I want him to have friends. I have to be careful, though. He clearly wants everything to slow down, if not even stop fully.

If I'm not careful, I might ruin everything.

I was waiting for James and Peter at the front door. We had agreed to go to James's place after school "to do our homework". Which roughly translates to; I do my homework, while they do theirs for about half an hour and then play video games.

I looked at my phone to appear less awkward. You know, not doing anything. Just scrolling around, without a purpose. I looked up to see if they were coming soon, instead, I saw Sirius.

"Hi." I smiled at him.

He stopped in the middle of the hall, staring at me. He opened and closed his mouth. I continued to smile in the need of something better to do. Sirius sighed. "Hi," he said slowly and began walking again.

"He's a little weird," said Peter behind me

"But little Rem Rem here likes it, am I right?" James asked, knowing the answer.

I grinned.

James and Peter were my two best friends. I had known both of them forever. They matter more to me than anyone else in the world. I never doubted that they would help me no matter what. That's what friends are for; helping each other and make them happy.

That's what I want to be to Sirius. It doesn't seem like he has a lot of people in his life. With no friends at all in school. He doesn't even have social media.

Something about him attracted me, I wanted to get to know him. Be his friend, and if he wants to, his boyfriend. I needed him to talk to me. At this pace, we would never get together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to review/comment, it makes me happy, and inspires me to continue :D


	5. When it started

##### I want to know him better.

Being in love was much harder than I had ever imagined. Surprise! Life isn't just dancing in flower fields and rainbows in the sky. Though I had always hoped it was.

My crush on Sirius was terrible. He never talked to me. I didn't even know if he was into boys. I would probably never find out. I hoped I could. He looked so perfect and vulnerable. I just want to hug him tight and never let go, but he won't let me.

It was hard to describe what I feel for him, when I look at him I just... feel happier. Like there's a thousand butterflies in my stomach. He made me smile and I didn't even know him. I couldn't even begin to imagine how he would make me feel if we got together.

"You are way too obsessed with him," Peter stated during lunch Friday. I may have been mourning a bit, but he wasn't wrong.

"What if this is the guy for Rem," James said in my defence.

Peter looked around the table, making sure no one was eavesdropping. "There are tons of other guys out there you could date."

"It isn't that easy. I have to get attracted, they have to get attracted. Even then, they have to be accepting of... me."

James and Peter looked at each other, they had never seen me like this. I hadn't really had a crush before either. No guys at the school were out, and I didn't like the thought of dating girls if they didn't know that big part of me.

"Rem," James said quietly. "I know you want him, but you can't let this control you. He has made it very clear that he doesn't want any friends, including you. Maybe he will come around eventually, though I don't think you should push him."

I sighed, "I know, I know. You're right. Yeah, you are right James! I'll give it a break." I smiled. "I think I need a boy's night, to get my mind off him."

They both lightened up. "It's perfect," Peter exclaimed. "Mary is hosting a party tonight, we can all go and hang out together!"

James rolled his eyes, "If you say so Pete, though there's no way you won't go off with a girl." Peter almost pulled an offended expression but realized it was more likely than not. "If you do," he paused dramatically. "Then Rem should be allowed to go off with a special someone too. Provided he shows up." James blinked to me and smirked.

"It's guys night. I won't go after him." Plus, the thought of 'going off' with Sirius the same way Peter always did, made him slightly uncomfortable.

"Argh, come one Rem, a party is a perfect place to get to know him better. Just give him some beer and you'll be great," Peter said.

"It sounds good," I agreed. Though I don't want to know him better under the influence of alcohol. "But he doesn't strike me as the kind of guy who likes to party."

"Maybe he's the kind of guy who stays sober at parties. I cannot stand those types." Peter said the last part with a smug glance towards James.

"Hey!" James exclaimed offended. Both Peter and I laughed.

I never really thought I would be the kind of guy who got hung up on a crush. Turns out I was. Life was full of surprises. Though no one is as full of surprises as Sirius.

Another party. It was pretty much like the last one, though this one is more 'girly', also hosted by a girl. Firstly, her parents are home which just makes everything super awkward, they are in their bedroom, but it feels like you aren't supposed to be too loud, get too drunk, or snog too much.

Secondly, Mary doesn't have as big a house as other people, so much of it has to take place outside It's cold outside.

I like it though. The music wasn't deafening, meaning you were able to hold an actual conversation without having to yell into each other's ears. There were also fewer people. James, Peter and I had lost of fun. We even ended up talking to Alice, Mary and Lily. The last whom James had had a crush on forever. He was barely able to take his eyes off her.

Marlene came into the room along with Dorcas, and she suggested they played truth or dare. I would call it a childish game, but it's fun. And better than spin the bottle, because frankly, I'm not comfortable kissing all these people.

"I start. Lily, truth or dare?" Marlene asked in a mysterious voice.

"Dare" she picked. We all started clapping, and James even whistled. It was a well-known fact that it was dangerous' to pick dare when Marlene asked.

"I dare you to kiss... James!" And of course, we were right.

Lily's cheeks heated up immediately... maybe James' crush on her wasn't as one-sided as I thought. She sat in front of him, ready to kiss, but he stopped her.

"You don't have to if you don't want." Despite his words, it was clear there was nothing in the world James rather would than kiss her.

"No, it's fine."

With that said, they both leaned in for a quick kiss. Lily then returned to her seat, her red cheeks still apparent. It appeared as if James' brain had stopped working. His eyes were still dreamy.

I wonder what it would be like to kiss Sirius. Has he kissed other guys? Girls?

"Truth or dare, Remus?" Lily asked. Her lips were curved into a smile similar to the one James had. She had definitely enjoyed it as much as him.

"Truth." Call me boring all you want, but Truth is safe for the most part.

"Rumor has it that you know the new guy's name, what is it?"

Crap.

I decided right then and there I couldn't tell. Firstly, it's his secret, not mine. Secondly, I had promised I wouldn't tell.

I raised my eyebrow at her. James and Peter sent me subtle worrying glances. I tried making my tone as believing as possible. "I don't know his name."

Luckily, they all seemed to believe me. Now I just had to divert the attention.

"So, Pete. Truth or dare?"

The night went fine from there, I wasn't dared to kiss anyone, no one mentioned Sirius again, and everything was just fine.

It only lasted till Monday morning though.

"We're going to have a math test," Slughorn announced to the morning-tired class. Everyone groaned, except Sirius who stayed quiet in the corner.

"Oh, come on, it's not that bad. It's just revision from what you learned last year. I need to know if you've forgotten everything." This didn't brighten any moods.

Why have the teachers forgotten what it's like to be young? Why must we have math tests on Monday mornings?

"It's an easy one, alright. You'll do it on computers, therefore your result will be ready the second you finish."

Everyone already had their computers on the table. The people in the back even had it open already and was probably playing computer games. Slughorn gave Sirius one of the old ones the school used to have before students were expected to have their own computer.

We had taken these kinds of tests a million times before, therefore already knew what to do. Slughorn opened the test, and we all began. Except a few who were more interested in sleeping.

We had one hour.

As soon as my brain got to work, it was smooth sailing. As Slughorn had said, it was only things we already knew. I even finished early and had time to go back and double-check my answers.

Math is one of my best subjects.

"Times is up, everyone click 'finish'," Slughorn said once the hour had passed.

I got an A, of course. I smiled a little. Tests can be stressful, but a good grade always helps my mood. I looked towards James and Peter to see how it went, they mouthed B and D respectively. When I mouthed A, they gave me a flat look.

Sirius stared at the computer; his face unreadable.

Slughorn spent the rest of the class explaining the tasks which most of the students had trouble in. This day was starting great.

Instead of listening I decided to lean back and block out the sound. I knew all of it anyway. The bell rang forcing my daydreams away. Students began chattering, wanting to hear what everyone else got.

"How can you get A every time?" Peter complained.

I chuckled.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Slughorn asked. I turned around, only to find out he wasn't talking to me, but Sirius, who nodded, and silently waited in front of his desk. Slughorn didn't begin talking till we all had left the room and closed the door.

Wonder what they were talking about.

I didn't see him for the rest of the day. Not that it bothered me at all... or something. Why couldn't he be outgoing? It would be so great if he thought I was cute, or something like that, and tried to seduce me. The thought alone gave me goosebumps.

I was on my way home after all my classes had finished when McGonagall approached me and asked for a second of my time.

"Of course," I answered politely. James and Peter continued walking to give us a bit of privacy.

"A student has requested help with math, can I expect that you will assistance?" I nodded, thinking back to my dreams of finding my true love that way. "Good, thank you. He's in the library right now."

James and Peter who had overheard the conversation said goodbye to me once McGonagall had left.

I went to the library. My stomach was filled with anticipation.

I guess you've already guessed who I found in the library. One wouldn't believe I could be that lucky. But I could. I almost couldn't hold back a smile. This was truly happening.

I found none other than Sirius Black.

"I wanna talk about math, and only math!" he requested bitterly.

"Of course," I said, but didn't believe it. We would be talking a lot together during this time, which meant we would most likely become friends.

Maybe I could get my happy ending with him after all.

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment!! Nothing makes me happier!


	6. When he smiled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Math

##### He was wonderful.

"Where do you want to start?" I asked. Sirius and I were sitting next to each other in the library. We would have to spend so much time together so I could tutor him, which is amazing.

Now I could make up for discovering his name. I could show him how nice I can be, and maybe from there, we would become friends.

"I don't know. I'm bad at all of it," Sirius said, without looking at me.

"Did you do the homework last week?"

"I tried."

"Maybe we should start there," I offered. I learned from teaching other students that practising different things by doing their homework made them more motivated.

Sirius shook his head. He had his arms crossed, blocking me out completely. I wondered if he was this closed off from everyone, or just me.

"What else do you wanna do then?" If he didn't like my ideas, he would need to have some himself.

"Slughorn opened a 'test-test' for me on the computer. It's similar to the one we had today. He said you were a really good teacher," He mumbled, still not looking directly at me. "I don't have a computer yet, but he said we could use yours."

I smiled discreetly. He had never said that much to me before. We hadn't even begun and it was already brilliant. "Then we'll do that."

I found my computer and the website. Sirius logged in with his codeword. This caused him to open up his arms. He started the test-test, the first question came up;

2x + 4 = 34 - 3x

"Okay, that's an easy one," I told him as I wrote it down on paper. I always found it easier to write it down, then calculate.

"That's an easy one?!" he complained.

I shouldn't have said that. "It's okay," I assured him. "You just have to get the general idea of how to solve it, and then it's smooth sailing from there. We need to get the 'x' to be alone-"

"What does that mean?"

"It means we have to get the 'x' on the one side of the equal mark, and the numbers on the other," I told patiently.

He bit his lip. "Is it annoying that I ask...?" Sirius somehow became smaller when he asked.

"No, no, not at all," I said quickly. "The more questions you ask, the more you learn, so ask away." I smiled at him. He nodded and looked at the computer again.

"Which side does the 'x' have to be on?"

"That doesn't matter, it can be on any side you want, sometimes it easier to put it on the right side, and other times the left side. But it never matters."

"Where would it be easiest to put now?"

I looked at the computer, thought a little. "The left side."

"How do we make the 'x' stand alone when there is two of them?" he asked, genuinely confused. Oh god, he just said 'we' as in we are doing something together. I was way too hype for no reason at all.

"We put them together." He continued to look confused, yet I kept explaining. "Right now there is 2x's on the left side, and less than 3x's on the right side-"

"What does that mean? Why is it less than 3x's?"

"Because it says '- 3x' which means, that we don't have 3x's, because it's minus 3. You always use the sign in front of the number."

"There is no sign in front of 34 or 2x," he said, his voice hollow.

"You're right about that. When there's nothing, it means there's a hidden plus."

He nodded to show that he understood.

I continued; "The numbers on each side of the equal sign has to give the same number in total. We can add and subtract as many numbers as we please, but it has to be on both sides. Therefore, if we put '+ 3x' on both sides, the '- 3x' will become '0' and therefore nothing, while the '2x' will become '5x'."

"Because -3 + 3 equals 0? And we can just add the 'x' because it's next to 3?" he asked confused.

"That's right." I smiled. "You learn fast."

Sirius' lips curled slightly upwards, and let me tell you it was the most adorable thing I had ever seen. His eyes were shining. His teeth only just appeared between his lips. I had never noticed looked amazing before. My heart stopped a beat and oh boy I wish he would smile like that all the time.

But of course, he couldn't smile all the time. As soon as he realized that he had smiled, Sirius quickly closed his mouth again, staring stiffly at the computer.

"Then what?" he asked.

"Er... now it says '5x + 4 = 34'. We want the '5x' to be alone, so, therefore, we take 4 away on each side, because..."

He looked at the computer and tried to figure out why we would remove 4. "Because... because there is '+4' on the left side, and if we remove 4 then... then it will be '0', and then it will be '5x = 30'?"

"Exactly, do you know what we have to do now?"

"Remove 5 from both sides?"

"No."

Sirius frowned, he bit his lip again. "But isn't it '+ 5x'?"

"Well..." I paused. "Technically yes, but there is an invisible sign between '5' and 'x', and that is times, so it's '5 times x', you have to do the opposite to get it on the other side, so you have to divide 30 with 5, to remove the 5 from the left side. After then you will get the answer. Does that make sense?"

He nodded, but still looked a little confused. "Kind of. How do I divide?"

"You see how many times 5, can be in 30. You can either say 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 and then count all the times five could be there, the answer is 6. But when you have bigger numbers there is another technique, then you say; 30 divided with 5. How many times can 5 be in 3? 0 times. Then you move the 3 in front of the 0, so now it says 30, now you have to use the first technique. It doesn't make lots of sense to use at a small number like this, but with bigger numbers, it can be really useful. Understand?"

He looked very confused, but nodded, "I think so... what does it say now?"

"Now it says 'x = 6'. We have the answer."

"So that's just it? I can move on the next question?" He glanced at me for two seconds, but then lowered his gaze again.

"We can, or we can check if it's correct by replacing 'x' with '6' in the original question. Do you want to give it a try?" I didn't intend to give him an option, but it was always better if he felt like he had.

He nodded.

"You just calculate each of the sides individually, and they should give you the same answer. Remember you always have to do times first." I hoped this would go well, a little win would lift his spirit.

There was a long pause where he put the numbers together. I glanced at it while he did it, just to make sure he did it right, or to know what he needed to work with afterwards. I also glanced at him. He frowned and even pouted slightly. Would you believe me if I say he looked cute when he was confused? Cause he was!

"Both sides give 18... so that's... is that right?" He looked into my eyes. I nodded a little dumbfounded.

"If both numbers on each side of the equal sign give the same, then the answer is right."

Sirius wrote 6 on the computer, checked to see if the answer was right. It was, and he smiled to himself. He went to answer the next question.

3x + 2 = 27 - 2x

"Should we see if you can do it without my help?"

He looked a little nervous but nodded nevertheless.

I looked at his calculations while he did them, he was hesitant about some things but it seemed as if he did all of them right. Sirius looked cute when he was thinking, but that surely doesn't come as a surprise to any of you that I think that, am I right?

It's just... the way his face frowned when something didn't quite make sense, the way he smiled a little when it did. I fell for him. Hard.

"Is... Is it 5?" he asked nervously after a couple of minutes.

"Yes," I smiled, and you wanna know what? He smiled too! Not a little one like last time, a big one, a real one, the mouth reached his eyes, he was... glowing, simply glowing. I smiled more. I couldn't help it, he just looked as if he had completed his life goal.

"Really?" he asked, for a moment looking uncertain.

I nodded and repeated myself; "Yes, really"

If possible, his smile grew even wider, it turned even bigger again when he had told the computer the answer, and it confirmed it to be true.

I had never seen him smile wider and frankly didn't believe I ever would. The boy who didn't look at me, who didn't talk to me, who used the least words possible when he had to talk. He smiled at me, and honestly, I couldn't be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. I know this math is way below their level, but I'm not great at it, and I needed something I understand, which I could explain.
> 
> 2\. Comment/review please, it takes a few seconds but makes my day 10 times better (math)


	7. When he thanked me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: More math. I'm sorry

##### How could anyone possibly be that cute?

I waited for him in the library. I had suggested we could wait a day before meeting again. Breaks are important. But he had insisted on coming the next day too. We agreed to meet in the library after school. I had told James and Peter who I had to tutor, of course, they had been happy for me, but James was sure to remind me not to be too overwhelming.

Which I hadn't been, honestly. Not during the lessons at least. I had tried containing myself during these. I had been super professional.

I hadn't been too overwhelming, after all, Sirius wanted to meet up with me already the next day. That meant he liked the lessons... or cared a lot about math.

His head peeked through the door. When he saw me, he walked all the way over, he sat down beside me, without looking at me.

"Did you finish the equations I gave you?" I asked.

He turned his face away as he answered. "Almost all of them"

I smiled even though he couldn't see me. Guess it was kind of a reflex. I didn't like it when he thought badly of himself, and I thought he did that a lot. I hoped to give off a positive energy that could possibly affect his mood.

"That's fine. You only got one day, and there was many."

He turned his head towards me but still didn't look at me.

"Can I see them?" I didn't like the awkward silence.

What happened? Why was he suddenly all introvert and closed? How could it be that he went from smiling at me, to refuse to even look at me again? It was like he was a completely different person.

Sirius found the paper in his bag. I had found some equations on the internet yesterday, he could practice at home.

"I'll look at them later, then I will hand them back once-"

I stopped when he suddenly looked at me, his eyes locked with mine. If I wasn't sitting down, I would have fallen. He had beautiful grey eyes. I might have drooled a bit, but anyone who had their crush staring at them would have.

"Why not now?" he asked confused, and at the same time pleading, as if he wanted me to do it now.

"Well, I could, but you would have to wait for me to finish."

"I don't care," he replied, making himself more comfortable. I stared at him for a moment, one because he was hot. Two because I didn't expect him to say that.

Nevertheless, I began to correct them. It took a while, not because of the fact that there was many, but because of the fact that he looked at me and I couldn't think of anything else.

He kept looking from the paper to me, he looked sorry whenever I made a cross but smiled a bit whenever I made a checkmark. The thought of making check marks on the rest of the equations crossed my mind, I just wanted to see him smile, but that wouldn't help him.

It didn't seem as if he was bored. It looked as he were very interested - in the paper, not me sadly. From what I've gathered, he really cares about math, for some reason. Of course, it could be because we were doing very easy math compared to senior year level, and he probably knew that. Oh god, we were doing something together.

"Here," I showed him the paper once I had finished, though he didn't look at it, but me instead. For once. My heart started beating faster.

"How could you finish this fast?" His voice was hollow.

Without hesitating I took a random piece of paper from my bag and waved it in the air so that he wouldn't be able to see what it said. "I got the answers right here." I smiled, and he seemed to believe me.

I hated to lie to him, I really did, but the worst thing that could have happened was if he lost hope. If he thought he was bad, he would probably quit believing in himself, and then quit trying.

He had to keep trying.

"Are there any questions about any of it?"

Sirius looked through the paper which gave me a short opportunity to stare a little at him again. He looked so concentrated. And hot. And cute.

"That one," he pointed. "I was sure it was right."

4 * (x - 2) = 2x + 6

His answer had been -4, how in the world he could think that was right... I can't even, what? "Did you remember to check after you did it?" I asked casually. Despite that, he bit hard into his lip and held his arms around himself.

"Hey, it's okay!" I hastened to add. Don't close yourself, please don't close yourself. "Everyone makes mistakes, now you can learn from this time, and then remember to check next time."

"Sorry I just-" Sirius hid his face in his hands. "Just a moment."

"Okay," I whispered.

I tried not thinking of what Sirius thought about. His feet tapped against the floor as if he wasn't sure whether he should leave or not. Though he stayed. Breathing loudly, however, it slowly became quieter.

I couldn't help but stare at him. His long, pale fingers were just so beautiful, there was a little mark on one of them. Just a little scar. Wonder where that came from.

From distance, his hair looked wavy and silky. Also soft and just the kind of hair that would be amazing to pull one's fingers through... but close it looked kind of messy. He probably hadn't brushed it in a few days.

Suddenly his whole body stiffened. What would happen if I just leaned over and hugged him-

No

I shouldn't do that. I could ask him if I may of course, but it would be a weird thing to ask about. So, I didn't, even though I really, really wanted to. Considering everything I knew, he probably didn't want a hug even though at the moment it seemed as if he needed it.

Sirius finally looked up. Completely ignoring everything that had just happened, he asked me; "What's the answer then?"

"I can't just tell you, but maybe you can tell me what you did, then I can see what you did wrong, so we know what you need to work on."

He looked at the paper and thought a little.

"I-uhh, I divided with x into both sides cause it's *x, so there was now one x on the left side and none on the right. Then I added 2 on both sides because it said -2. Then it said +8 so I subtracted 8 on both sides, and it said -4 = x."

I was mildly surprised that he knew about negative numbers. But that's a plus. Wait.

"You had to times into the parentheses."

"The- what?" he asked confused the frown growing back on his face.

"When it says 4 times parenthesis, you gotta say 4*x, which turns to 4x, and 4*2, which gets 8x." he still looked confused, but there was a little glint in his beautiful grey eyes. "Do you understand?" I asked and tried my hardest not to put my hand on his back.

"What if it said + instead of *?" Sirius' voice became tiny. I kinda began to see a pattern.

"Then you don't, it's only when it's times" I explained, he nodded. "Do you wanna try and do it again?"

He shook his head.

Sirius looked down at his hands, he drew circles on himself, somehow, he had flinched away from me. Was it something I did? It couldn't be..., right? I hadn't done anything to upset him... I thought.

"Why not?" I asked quietly.

"Because I'm too stupid to understand it anyway." His arms were crossed. I thought he had had an awful day.

"Can I hug you?" I blurted out. Hugs were nice. Perhaps it could make him feel better. The worst thing that could happen was if he stopped believing himself. I could not stress this point enough.

He shook his head again, but only after hesitating a second.

"Okay listen- "he flinched, and I continued quieter. "I know it's probably overwhelming moving to a new school where everybody already knows each other. You've probably moved to a new house and stuff I don't know why you moved, but... I don't know. And I know I haven't exactly been the... best, about some things and I'm sorry."

His shoulders seemed to relax a bit.

"All those things take a lot of energy, but don't think that you are too stupid to learn. Nobody is. I mean, you are here. You know you need help and you asked for it, there's a lot of people in this school who doesn't ask for help. And I think you are really brave for doing so."

Finally looking at me, he replied;

"Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to tell me what you thought of this chapter :D


	8. When he believed

##### I wish I had had the time to say goodbye.

Being in love felt amazing. Being in love with someone I couldn't have felt awful. That was how I felt. I had asked Sirius if he needed, or wanted, a hug, but he had rejected me. I got why. Kind of.

We had found some more equations for him to do, until our next meeting

It was lunch, Thursday. I had plans to be at James' house to do homework again. With Peter too of course. It still meant I would do mine, and they wouldn't. But either Mr or Mrs Potter always baked cookies. Who could say no to that?

"I don't know guys. How can he go from smiling to me, to not looking at me again?" I banged my head on the table and used my arms as a tent over my head. It had bugged me since yesterday. He was hard to figure out.

"Don't worry Rem. He probably just had a bad day or something." Peter sounded sure of himself.

"I know, I know, but..." I groaned. There was too many questions and not enough answers. "I'm just tired, that's all"

"Remus at least you know he is softening up. Lily still won't talk to me and I have known her for years. You have only known him for less than two weeks." Why did James always say the right thing?

I sighed. "I'm sorry to bother you with my guy-problems all the time. I know its probably not always fun to hear about."

"It's okay," Peter assured him. "I'm already used to James whining about Lily."

"Hey!"

Peter and I laughed.

"Though at least it goes somewhere with you and Lily." I smiled smugly at James. "You kissed last Friday, remember?"

James blushed slightly. "How could I forget?" he asked dreamily. I wondered how much time he had used thinking about it. On the other hand, if I got to kiss Sirius, I would probably think about it a lot too.

"Thinking about snogging a certain someone?" Peter laughed, I hadn't realized that they had continued talking, a slight blush revealed me.

"Pete," James said with a little smirk on his lips, even though he talked to Peter, James eyed me. "What do you say if they both get into a game of truth or dare, we will dare one of them to kiss the other." I blushed, and James laughed.

Also laughing, Peter agreed.

"Thank you."

.:lll:.

Sirius usually stayed in the shadows. At least I could never seem to find him, though he was apparently really good at finding me. After school, he came up behind me.

"Remus?"

I died. I actually died a little inside of happiness. Just the way he said my name sent a chill down my spine. I didn't even know that he knew my name, I didn't think I had ever told him.

I turned around and froze for a moment, he didn't look at me, though he looked super nervous. Like someone who was about to ask another person out. I quickly abandoned the idea. He would never. Unless...

And god he was so cute.

"Yeah?" I asked after a moment of silence. James and Peter waited for me further on but was still within earshot.

"Uhh." He tapped his foot on the floor. "Can we, er." He bit his lip. I held my breath. Maybe. "Can we do math today?"

I wasn't just mildly disappointed. I was extremely disappointed. Why would get my hopes up? Of course, he wouldn't ask me out. He didn't even want any friends.

"Ehh, actually I'm going to James's place today," I said.

"Oh."

There was a long silence. He had grabbed his own hand and touched it, drawing lines and drawing circles. He sighed, and then his arms hung down on each side of him.

"Sorry, I'm just gonna go-" he turned around.

"Wait," I called, he stopped and looked up, not at me, but up. I looked at James who nodded. "You can come with us there." I held my breath.

Sirius looked at James and Peter, they both smiled at him. He then looked at me. Like actually looked at me, as in he looked into my eyes. My knees were melting and I almost didn't hear what he said.

"They don't know my...?"

"Of course not! I haven't told anyone, as I promised," I assured quickly.

"And we'll still do math?"

"Yes! Well, uhh, some of the time. I'll have to do my own homework too"

He nodded, and we began walking.

.:lll:.

As expected, he didn't say anything almost the entire trip. Though I had time to get a few glances at him. Which I totally didn't do for no reason at all. Not at all. I did it for... science. I needed to find out if he was as cute as he usually was. He was.

James didn't live far from the school, hence his mom said that we can easily walk there. Plus, the weather was 'good'. I didnøt mind though. It took less time to drive, that was less time to look at Sirius.

"Is there anything specific you wanna practice?"

Sirius nodded. "I looked at some of the equations you gave me, to do them again, but there is a few I don't understand," he told quietly, eyeing James and Peter in front of us.

"Okay, have you done the new ones?"

He nodded again. "And I have checked all of them, and it matched, so I think they are right," he told me. His lips curved slightly upwards, of course still absolutely fucking adorable. Wonder what it would be like if he smiled like that because of me. Probably amazing.

His laugh was probably the cutest one ever.

"That sounds good," I smiled. Though, of course, he wouldn't know that seeing as he refused to look at me. He touched his upper arm nervously.

If he was my boyfriend right now, I would definitely put my arm around him, and pull him closer to me. It would be difficult to walk, but I wouldn't care. If he was that close me I wouldn't care about anything. There was no way he wanted that. If he didn't want to hug when feeling down, then surely he wouldn't when feeling happy either.

Maybe Sirius was beginning to soften up, and maybe he now wanted friends. He had agreed to join us at James' place after all. To do math, yes, but maybe that was just a cover. What if him being bad at math was just a cover to hang out with me? Oh god, that would be so adorable.

Unlikely, but still.

We finally arrived at the house. James, Pete and I casually walked up there, but Sirius hesitated by the pavement.

I stopped as well and stared at him staring at the house. Why was everything but me able to catch his attention. "You coming?" James and Peter were already inside. With wide eyes, he moved his to mine and locked them. Once again, my heart melted. The sun hit him from above and he was shining. He was beautiful.

"That's his house?" Sirius asked when he stood next to me.

"Yeah, it's pretty big, that's why we always hang out at his place. Plus, his parents bake."

"That sounds nice," he whispered. Once again, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to hear it. He kept staring at the house, his right hand was on his left upper arm. I stared at him for a moment, not sure whatever I should break the silence or let him stay a little longer.

When I thought about it, he looked small compared to the big house. Somehow it looked as if he fit into it, but on the other hand, he couldn't fit less into it.

"Should we go in?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, right."

We walked in. He was a little behind me. This time it didn't feel like he avoided looking at me. It felt more like he was too busy looking at all the things in the house. I took off my shoes and jacket, then cursed myself for wearing two different coloured socks. He took off his shoes but kept his leather jacket on.

Now that I thought of it, I hadn't ever seen him without it. With the sun shining, he must've been hot. Works both ways.

I lead him into the living room. It was quite big, but split into two. the one half contained two couches that were placed in front of the television. Behind the television, there were some gigantic windows. The other half had a long table they used to eat, and we used to study at.

Practically everything was white, modern and expensive.

Sirius' white t-shirt was pretty dirty. I hadn't noticed when the only thing I could compare with was black, but here it looked more like grey than white.

James and Peter had rather tactically placed themselves the longest away from us as possible. Had I ever mentioned I love them? I gestured to a chair in which Sirius sat on and then I took the chair next to his.

"Which was it that you didn't understand?" I asked. He opened his bag to find the papers. Both the old ones I had already corrected and the new ones I had given him. They had become a little crumpled by being in the bag.

I think he saw the face I made -I hate it when a paper gets crumpled- cause he bit his lip and tried to smooth it out. I think I actually saw his tongue stick out a bit. Just a tiny little bit. But it was small and cute and red... I didn't think I would ever fall in love with someone's tongue. That sounded weird.

"This one," he pointed. "You made across, but I re-calculated it and checked after, and I can't see how it's supposed to be wrong." Sirius bit his lip again, this time not out of concentration, but out of regret. It was really hard for me not to hug him. But he didn't want that, and I contained myself.

12x + x (2 - 4) = 0

His answer was x=0. I quickly looked over it to see what the actual answer was. At first glance, his answer actually seemed right, but why would I have made a cross if it was right?

He expectantly waited for me to find for the mistake, which I couldn't. For me, it seemed as if 0 actually was the answer.

I frowned. I must have gotten distracted when he looked at me that I accidentally made a cross instead of a checkmark.

"Is it that bad?" His voice was hollow.

"No... no, I actually think it's right. It was my mistake, sorry"

Sirius looked disbelieving. "I did it right?" he asked hesitantly, and I nodded. "And you did it wrong?" I nodded again. His face cracked into a little smile. "So I was smarter than you?"

I cracked a smile too. "Yes, you were smarter than me."

He turned away and smiled for himself. And wanna know what? It was totally okay. Yes, I didn't see him smile as much as I had hoped for, but he did smile, and he had gotten some confidence. Which was utterly important as I had mentioned so many times before.

Cause believing in yourself was important.

This was exactly what he needed to keep working. He gladly did other equations and did them right. Even though he kept nervously eyeing James and Peter. The rest of the day he didn't seem sad, he had stopped smiling, but his eyes smiled.

And it was still the cutest smile I had ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blip blop. This was a bit longer than usual. Remember to review, comment, like, stuff, just if you wanna make me happy :D


	9. When we became friends

##### Just the thought of him.

I had a dream about him actually. In it, he didn't talk to me, didn't look at me and didn't want to befriend me. Then I realized it wasn't a dream. Then I was sad.

Though it brightened my mood to think about his rising level of confidence and his happy mood last Thursday. It warmed my heart to think of him being happy. It really did. And it did because I cared about him. I cared about him being happy.

But why couldn't I care about someone who cared for me too? Life wasn't fair.

If it wasn't clear before, it should become clearer now. I wanted him, and only him. If he didn't want me, then I would find someone else, but before that, he would be the only person I could think of.

I had gotten the opportunity to help him and I was really glad about that. If I could make him feel better, and make him more skilled at math, then it would be perfect. Like him.

Getting to know him was probably the greatest thing that had ever happened to me. He was so sweet and cute. He was really cute.

As usual, I walked down the hallway to the library after school had ended. Sirius and I had planned to continue practice math. Today I would teach him a bit about BODMAS. He seemed to understand it, but I just wanted to quickly go over it anyway.

A group of people stood just outside the library, though I paid them no mind. After all, students standing outside the library wasn't unusual, but rather students inside were. However, when I came closer, I saw that someone stood in the middle. Specifically Sirius.

The people around him kept talking to him, which seemed harmless. But in the little time, I had known Sirius, I knew him well enough to know when he was uncomfortable and he was at the moment.

"HEY," I yelled. A few glanced at me, but none of them moved. I pulled the student closest to me away, perhaps a bit too harshly. But it worked. I might not have been the fittest or strongest of all people, but I was senior and super tall. No one dared to say anything.

"Get the hell away from him!" I demanded. They shrugged their shoulders and quietly left. I turned around to face Sirius, he had his back to the wall and looked down. "Are you okay?" I put my hand on his shoulder, intending to be comforting.

But I should've asked first. He slapped my hand away "GET OFF ME!" His voice was thick. I was about to apologize, but couldn't utter a word before he was screaming again.

"I don't want you! I don't need you! Get the actual fucking hell away from me!" He screamed. I took a step back. I wasn't sure what to do. If I should even do anything. He grabbed his bag from the floor and ran out of there. Not stopping one moment. Not looking back.

I let him go again.

He didn't show up for a whole week. A whole week, and I felt awful. Even though it hadn't been, I felt like it was my fault somehow, I had only helped him, right?

I hadn't informed James or Peter about the incident. It didn't feel like as if I could, but they had noticed that I had been down. They thought it had been because of the absent of Sirius. Which was part of the reason.

"Look who is here," James whispered to me. I turned around and looked at where James had been looking. Sirius was standing next to the door in the cafeteria, he nervously drew circles on his hand while he looked around. When he saw me, Sirius looked to his left and right and then walked straight up to me. Looking down the whole trip.

When he approached me, he still looked down, though I could see his face. After all, I was sitting down, and he was standing up.

"I... I'm sorry that I yelled at you," he whispered only loud enough for me to hear.

"It's okay," I assured him.

He didn't seem to be fully satisfied with that. "Will... will you still teach me?"

He couldn't possibly be cuter than he was at that moment.

"Of course, I will," I answered to which he smiled. Though a half-smile and he bit his lip. My heart started pounding fast. It was like he knew a smile would be the best way to thank me.

"Thank you." Sirius visibly relaxed in his whole body. "Can we do it today?"

"Today is great," I replied. It looked as if he was about to turn around, without thinking I blurted out; "Don't you wanna sit with us?"

Sirius stopped suddenly, he eyed James and Peter, then looked at me again. "Okay," he answered, though hesitantly. James had moved a bit and he sat down beside me. My heart pounded faster.

"Do you want anything to eat?" James asked and offered a sandwich to Sirius after a minute of silence.

"I already ate."

"It's okay," James insisted. "Mom always makes too much"

Hesitantly Sirius grabbed the sandwich eyeing me in the process. "Thank you."

"No problem," James answered with a smile. "I'm James by the way, and that's Pete" he pointed, and Peter smiled. I was so grateful they made him feel welcome.

"I'm..." he began but trailed off, biting his lip.

"You don't have to tell," Peter said quickly. "We don't mind."

Sirius smiled a little bit again. "Thank you."

There was a little awkward silence followed by that. Sirius took a bite of the sandwich. James, Peter and I ate our food too. It was Peter who broke the silence.

"Though is there something we can call you, that isn't your name?"

He thought a little, but not very long. "Padfoot." When we send him, a questioning look he explained, "My... Dad used to call me that when I was little, he said that I behaved like a dog." Sirius smiled a bit of the memory. His smile made me smile.

"We should all have nicknames," James said, grinning, "What animal am I like?"

"A pig" Peter quickly answered. I laughed, and James sent him a dirty look. Sirius kept looking between us.

"I think you can take a test on the internet," I said then opened my computer. I put it between Sirius and me so that he could look too. "Here; 'discover your spirit animal'"

Turned out that James was a stag, Peter was a rat and I was a wolf. Sirius also took the test, and he got a dog.

"James, you should be Prongs, like prongs on a stag," Peter said.

"That's dumb," James stated with a frown.

"Then it fits perfectly," Peter ducked a teasing hit from James, then added. "Plus, it's already decided."

I agreed.

"Then you have to be... Wormtail," James decided. "Because rats have wormy tails... and your dick is little."

"HEY," Peter called. "It is not!"

"Too bad Wormtail. It's already decided," James teased.

They stuck their tongues out at each other. I laughed at them, and Sirius observed. It felt so... normal and right that Sirius was there with us. James and Peter were quick to accept that Sirius was there. I looked at him looking at them with his head tilted to the side. He was beautiful.

Abruptly he looked at me smiling, the butterflies in my stomach made somersaults. His grey eyes were shining. I hadn't ever seen his eyes whine like that, not even when he did great in math.

"You are going to be Moony." He sounded excited. I wanted to adopt the name this instant. The way his cute voice had said it. Amazing.

Though Peter had other plans. "Why Moony?"

Sirius turned to him. "He is a wolf, like a werewolf, and full moons." He explained and turned to me again, still with a smile on his face.

"I like it," I stated.

"Me too," James agreed.

"Okay then," Peter also agreed.

Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs. Kind of had a ring to it, right? I knew I like it at least. Partly because Sirius was in it.

"We can be the marauders," I offered, the others looked at me with a raised eyebrow. "It means an animal that causes mayhem. And in the plural, it's more animals."

"I vote for it," James stated.

"Same here," Peter agreed.

Sirius didn't say anything. He smiled, but it had faltered a bit. He drew circles on his hand again.

But I did it, we became friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was supposed to be kind of sad? But then all of sudden the nickname thing came to me and I couldn't resist it. If you liked it please like and comment :D


	10. When it was okay

##### Nice and careful. Reckless and cool. Always quiet.

When I entered the library Sirius was already there. Looking as cute as ever.

"Hi, Padfoot," I greeted. His lips curled slightly upwards at the mention of the nickname.

"Hi, Moony," he said. I smiled as well. Friends give each other nicknames. And the way he said it was just about the most adorable ever.

It amazed me how one person could be that lovable.

"Slughorn announced yesterday that we are going to have a test next Monday." His horrified expression matched exactly how everyone else in class felt when Slughorn announced this. "I know he gives an awful lot of them. But at least he told us. Now we can prepare."

This didn't seem to lighten his mood.

"I have made a copy of all my notes. I've made short descriptions on how to calculate different things, in case I forget." I handed them to him. "We're allowed to bring them. I think this can help you a lot. Also with the things, we haven't been over yet.

Sirius looked through the papers. There were a lot of them. I've been taking those notes since our first year. Then at the end of the year, I would rewrite all of them to look better.

"They are alphabetized, thus it will be easy to find what you're looking for. On the first page, there's a list of content."

"That's a lot of notes," he mumbled.

"I always forgot how do calculate certain things, so I started writing it down."

"Thanks... Moony." His lips curved slightly, though shortly after he bit them. The smile wasn't directed at me, but I had gotten used to that. Besides, he looks beautiful from the side.

"Maybe today we can talk about BODMAS, do you know about that?" He should already know, but I didn't imply this.

"I know a bit... it's that thing that tells in which order you should calculate... right?" He seemed to hide his excitement, though it shined through.

"Exactly!" A self-satisfied grin appeared. "Do you know the order?"

He bit his lip. "I know that addition and subtraction are in the bottom."

"That's a good start," I assured.

I looked through my bag to find a piece of paper. I had made a sketch which read BODMAS in big letters, plus a little explanation as to what each letter stood for beneath. I had coloured the letters which were in the same category.

"When it's the same colour, it means you can choose whichever you want to calculate first. It doesn't matter," I explained, and he nodded. "This is also in the notes I gave you, but I thought it was better to use a big one to explain it."

I opened my computer, I had found a math page with long calculations which contained multiplication, subtraction, times, division and so on.

"What are we going to do now?" he asked interestedly.

"I found a page where you can do the equations, somewhere on the page we can find some that only focuses on BODMAS"

"I have my own computer," he said then dived into his bag to find it. It seemed old, but also in good condition. "It's almost brand new," he told proudly. It looked only slightly used, and perhaps an old model.

He looked happy for it.

"What's the page called?" he asked and looked at me. 

It took me a second before I typed the website in. To do so I had to lean a bit over him, my heart was pounding quickly. We were very close to touching. I found the website. The first question came up.

5 + (3 - 2) + 3,14 =

"And I don't have to add into the brackets? It's only when it's times right?"

"Correct."

He smiled again. "First brackets? And then it doesn't matter?"

"Correct again."

As I had suggested, he brought a piece of paper and a pencil to do the calculating on. He didn't write it down, it was an easy one after all. Yet he bit his pencil and looked very concentrated.

Sirius wrote 9,14 in the square on the computer, and then checked if it was correct, he smiled when it was.

.:lll:.

"You are really getting good at this," I told him after we were done. He had gotten a few of them wrong, but it was still enough for him to score at least a B in a test. If these were the only kinds of questions there were and there was no time limit. But still.

"Thanks," he beamed. We stood just right outside the school. It was cold, but the sun was shining. He had his hands inside the sleeves of the leather jacket, looking cuter than usual.

He jumped a little on the spot the gain some warm.

"So, wanna hang out or something?" I asked not looking directly at him, as he would usually do with me.

"Err..."

"You know, like friends." I laughed nervously but quickly stopped.

He immediately stopped jumping. He stood completely still in fact. Not moving a muscle. He looked at me which surprised me. Usually, when he felt uncomfortable, he would refuse to even look my way. Sirius bit his lip in regret, his eyes were swimming.

"Are we friends?" he asked quietly.

I paused, not answering at first. Why was he reacting this way?

"Err... yes? I mean, I just thought so... I... don't you think so?" I wasn't sure what to say. We had nicknames for each other, didn't that mean we were friends?

"I didn't think of it like that," Sirius admitted sadly. He stared at the ground. Far away in thoughts.

"But... that's okay, right Padfoot? We had fun earlier today, don't you want that again?" I asked, hoping that using his nickname would catch some interest. He did have fun earlier, he actually did, I'm a hundred percent sure. I looked at him the whole time.

"I guess it's okay," he answered, ignoring my last comment. We stood still for a while. It felt as if he needed to think, so I let him. I waited patiently, studying his face, seeing if I could read it. It was impossible. "Remus I would love to hang out today..." he started, but it seemed as if he hadn't finished.

"But?" I asked, not wanting to know the answer.

"But today is not a great day" Sirius finished, he looked at me, hoping I would understand. I nodded to show that I did, he sighed and relaxed. "Maybe some other day" he offered.

"That would be cool," I smiled, and he smiled back.

He didn't say no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whops, a rather short one. I hope it's alright, leave a comment? Leave a like? Anything would make me happy :)


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